When Positivity Turns Toxic
We all know a “Positive Polly” type of person. We envy her happiness and joy, but question how she’s happy all the time. That can’t be healthy right? Is our own sadness a bad thing to experience?
After several years of scrolling through social media for quick and mindless entertainment, out of boredom, waiting in lines, etc. We’ve all seen the numerous graphics, quotes and even close friends telling us to “Stay positive! Stay positive! Stay positive!” In the moment, this makes us feel better. In retrospect, I like being sad sometimes. We all need an occasional sob after a sad movie or a long cry to “Someone Like You” by Adele on your commute from a terrible day at work.
Recently, I had a cold. As someone who loves to be productive and active, I become frustrated when I’m sick and stuck in bed, with no energy to do anything but binge Netflix. My mom sends me a text that reads: “Just see it as a temporary inconvenience that will be gone tomorrow. Don’t let it take you over. Mind over matter.” Long story short, this mindset seemingly helped me return back to normal.
Giving optimistic advice to someone who is suffering is our natural way of helping our loved ones to feel better. It’s why we began calling soldiers who suffered side effects from nearby explosions as being “shell shocked,” but now we call it “PTSD.” Like how grandpa didn’t “die,” he “passed away.” A study found that there is a universally fundamental positivity bias among several languages, cultures and frequencies. The researchers state that “The most commonly used words of 24 corpora across 10 diverse human languages exhibit a clear positive bias, a big data confirmation of the Pollyanna hypothesis.”
The Pollyanna principle is an excellent example of positivity bias in our culture. It was established by Psychologists Margaret Matlin and David Stang in the 70s when they discovered that humans, even those who struggle with mood disorders, are inherently optimistic. When asked about potentially toxic positivity, Barabra Walker, assistant psychology professor at the University of Cincinnati, agrees. “It could be that one may ignore their problems and be too positive, a Pollyanna-like syndrome,” she says. This attitude may be more counterfeiting than consoling.
The Pollyanna principle may explain why humans feel the need to spread interpretations of positive messages in a variety of ways– but when does this optimism get out of hand? Can “too much” positive thinking develop into “ignoring the problem?”
Organizational theorists Chris Argyris and Donald Schon (1974) identify the term defensive routines. These are used to “protect individuals’ usual way of dealing with reality” in which too much optimism becomes ignorance. For example, when we’re in embarrassing or even traumatic situations, we tend to laugh it off, suppress it and forget it happened.
Positivity can be beneficial, but forcing yourself to stay positive can become toxic and is not a sustainable mindset. If we force ourselves to be optimistic, we are ultimately suppressing our emotions and although most of us occasionally do that– it’s a tasty recipe for a psychological disaster. This mindset only reaches the surface level and not our subconscious feelings.
Agryris also writes that we have these glorified versions of ourselves that we inherently insist on protecting called espoused values. This is essentially how we think or claim we would act in a situation, referred to as one’s espoused theory-in-action, a mental map we subconsciously create about and for ourselves. However, we instinctively react divergently, protecting our interests and ultimately betraying our values. According to Argyris this is one’s theory-in-use.
For example, someone’s desperate need for attention and power may be a frantic way to cover up their insecurities or lack of something else. We press save on an optimistic mindset just for it to end unsuccessfully because most of us are unaware that our theory-in-action contradicts our theory-in-use. For it to be successful, agreement between these two theories must be formed.
It is not so much the issue of maintaining a positive mindset as it is embracing the language of espoused values. When done with benevolence, spewing the “stay positive” phrase is understandable and seemingly the most humane. However, it becomes corrupt when it comes from the fright of accepting our failures. Becoming impure and toxic for ourselves and our culture — forced grins and estranged souls.
My friend, Kelsey— a college art student who constantly juggles her demanding waitressing job and a full-time course load— always ends her days with her overtly negative roommate constantly nagging her at home. While simultaneously sitting on the couch, doing nothing but binging reality TV shows and drinking wine, her roommate gives her mean glares and snide comments. In order to deal with her roommate’s constant negative energy flooding her house, she adopted these positivity mantras, “stay positive, look on the bright side, cheer up,” initially thinking this would solve the problem.
“I had to decide how to deal with this situation, especially since this is my living environment that I am around all of the time. This ongoing problem used to eat me alive and was something I would constantly focus on. But I decided I was going to ignore the negativity as much as possible, try to be positive and overcome this situation,” Kelsey says. Simply adopting this positive language was only a temporary cure on a surface level.
The stress of being in the house made her lose her self-control and become bitter toward herself and eventually toward others, taking her anxiety and anger out on the people around her. “There’s no set time to force oneself to process negative emotions; focusing on a positive perspective is always preferred. Those who are able to find a bright spot during crises or tragedies (while not ignoring the reality) are much better off,” says Walker. Since Kelsey decided to ignore the negativity, it resulted in her projecting her suppressed anger and anxieties and left her with no solution to the issue.
Kelsey mentions that when she is positive, she feels calm and happy. When this mindset crumbles, it becomes so painful that she feels it affecting the people around her. “I deal with negative emotions in different ways. Sometimes they eat me alive and I usually recognize that I have been saying/feeling nasty things and I usually become aggravated quickly with little things in life,” she says. “Other times with negative emotions, I recognize them as they happen and try to talk myself down. Telling myself there’s no reason I should be thinking this way and I try to adjust my mindset.”
“I like to think about mood in particular on a scale from -10 to 0 to +10. The range in any one day can be significant; we certainly don’t want to live life below zero, but we can’t sustain living at +10 all the time either. Life operates somewhere in the middle,” Walker says.
Although it may be a relief to be mindlessly scrolling through apps, to then stumble on a quote that resonates with you, it is imperative for humans to be able to vent to someone (therapist, friend, coworker, etc.) without being judged. “Being sad or experiencing any negative emotions allows us to really appreciate the positive ones. One can deal with negative emotions in a variety of ways. Positively, by talking about them, journaling, problem solving, exercising. Negatively, by stuffing emotions, displaying anger, overusing alcohol or drugs.”
From Buddha to Maya Angelou, people who’ve thrown away the rose-colored glasses and looked at life and our minds directly, all agree– to experience the joys in life, you must become intimate with the awareness of all that is horrid.
